Pull the weeds

Vulnerability leads to connection.

March 16th was my three year wedding anniversary. What a wild three years it's been...

I'll take you back to that day one year ago. I was 9 months pregnant sitting on the couch. That may seem nice, but it wasn't ideal. Next to me was my husband. He wasn't feeling good. Why? Because he was going through severe withdrawals. 

Rewind to a few weeks before that. It was midnight on a Sunday, I was sleeping. Something woke me up. It was something I had never felt before. It was almost like a kick in the back. Chase had fallen asleep on the couch. I went in the living room and just had a strange feeling. It was almost like a voice whispered in my ear... "go look in his backpack." I took the advice of this voice and looked in his backpack. What I found...the devil staring me dead in the eye. Drugs. 

In that instant it felt as if all the air had been sucked from my lungs, the blood drained from my veins. I had this beautiful baby girl growing inside of me, but I felt absolutely dead inside. I fell to my knees and screamed until my lungs went sore. 

Chase is a recovering addict. Up until this point he was 4 and 1/2 years sober. For reference, both of my parents are addicts. I grew up with it. I was used to finding drug paraphernalia even as a young kid. I was used to being lied to, having things hid from me, stolen from me. This just hit harder. 

So what do you do? I definitely didn't know. 

Chase spent the next few weeks self detoxing to be clean for when Millery was born. 

March 24th. The day my world forever changed. Millery was born. From that moment on all that mattered was this beautiful baby girl. 

So we did what all couples do I guess. Took the baby home and tried to adjust. All while this cloud of a very big problem was looming. We didn't have time to worry about Chases issues, our marriage, or even what comes next. It's almost as if we just acted like it didn't happen. It did happen and the problem only got worse from there. 

We went months with Chase using, then getting clean only to relapse again. It was almost as if I was reading a book over and over again. 

In that time I can say I have never felt more lonely, low, and truly sad. This was so hard being a new mom and trying to force yourself to be happy. I was so happy with my baby, but my life was crumbling. I was so ashamed. So embarrassed that my "perfect family" was ruined, gone in an instant and I had absolutely no control over anything. I didn't tell anyone, although I know people had their suspicions. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and got down to only 100 pounds after just having a baby. 

I grew bitter and angry. Yea, I knew I married an addict, but why do this to me again Heavenly Father? Have I not passed this test time and time again during my childhood? What from this exact trial have I not learned? My faith was tested like never before. How could he do this to me? How in most vulnerable time could he take away my husband, my strength, my protector? 

Then one day it all changed, almost like a lightbulb moment. I realized the only person I need and ever will need is him. My savior. 

From that point I put all of my trust and faith in the Lord. Whatever he wanted me to do I was going to do. I surrendered to the trial and just went with it with an open mind. 

The struggle continued and months later Chase finally agreed to get professional help. He went away for two months to the woods and lived off the land. This was a time for reflection for me and gave me a second to breath. For the first time in months I wasn't worried about him or my own safety in the house. Yes, I was physically alone, but it actually felt so much better. 

I had so many emotions come up during Chases relapse. It made me realize I have never really dealt with trauma from my childhood. It was like ripping a band-aid off of a wound that had been covered up for years. Every bit of sadness and disappointment I once felt as a kid, I was feeling again. 

Addiction is hard. It's hard for everyone. I believe the people on the other side of it suffer the most. I can't say I understand addiction because I've never been addicted to anything, but I try. I question the choices of my parents and husband, but I have learned these are their choices and they have free agency to make their own decisions good or bad. Are they bad people? Of course not. Chase is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, that's why I married him. He has millions of amazing qualities, but this one bad quality will unfortunately be the deciding factor of where his life goes. It's so powerful. Did my parents ever really love me? Of course they did. It's the drugs. 

My father was two weeks away from dying due to liver failure caused by alcoholism. He thankfully received a life saving liver transplant in 2010. I watched as he almost passed away. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through up until this point. This by far was the most painful and confusing time in my life., but looking back one year I can say I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful because it brought me closer to the Lord. I have to admit before this happened I had superficial faith. Yea, I went to church, attended the temple regularly, and did what all good members do, but never before have I had to rely so heavily on Heavenly Father. I now have such a deeper understanding of who he really is and how much he loves me. My faith is no longer superficial. It is real and it is alive within me. So for that I'm thankful. 

This message may seem a bit jumbled. It's probably because my thoughts and emotions still are even one year later. I don't know what my future holds or where my life will land, but I hope this just paints a picture for those reading this that nothing in this life is perfect. Life is hard. We suffer, we fall, but it is up to us how we get up. We choose how we treat others and what we do with adversity thrown our way. I could play the victim card with pretty much anything and use it as an excuse. I have found myself questioning why me? Now I ask myself, why not me? We don't have to fall victim to our trauma and we can break the cycle. I want people to not feel ashamed to talk about things like this. I've always been so ashamed and embarrassed...Hence why I'm now posting this two days after I originally wanted to. It's a scary thing to talk about. Those feelings have always kept me from getting much needed support from others. If people don't know then they can't help. 

Posting this and giving very personal details is hard, but I know vulnerability leads to connection and connection leads to me too moments. Have any of you loved someone who struggles with addiction? Yea, me too.   

Danielle